I didn’t sign up for this “club”
Last Tuesday afternoon started off with a sweet hospital visit to one of the Hispanic families I work with who just had twins at 29 weeks. The babies and family are doing fine. It was special getting to spend time loving on this family, especially since they don’t have many family members here, and were eager to share pictures and tell their story.
As I walked from the Baby Floor to another part of the hospital, my heart and brain were switching gears into a very different mode. I was making my way to the “We Remember” support group. The group is a mixture of those who have lost babies through stillbirth, miscarriages, etc. I have been going periodically to the group over the last year, and it has been a huge help for me. But I have had many conversations with others in the group and one of the main things we all have voiced is…I didn’t sign up for this “club,” I never thought I would be in this “club,” I am not excited to join/be in this “club”!! These are all statements we try to even talk ourselves out of the reality you don’t want to be in sometimes.
I mentioned all of that above, before sharing what a blessing the support group is and the experience that is happening now. It has been a safe place to say all the crazy things you are thinking, but really everyone else in the room is too! Through this group, we have now started to meet earlier before the meetings just to have dinner together. It is so neat how God has put all this together. The hurts are all different, the experiences all different, the grieving all different…all these things unique…but somehow we are all able to love on each other and heal together. Thank you Lord for this group.
I also wanted to talk about this because since being pregnant I have been hesitant on whether I should go back, I don’t want to cause others extra pain. But I think this last time was confirmation that God is using that time in big ways. One of the big things is meeting people where they are at whether they lost a baby 2 weeks ago or 5 years ago- and listening and empathizing from that point on. So even though I didn’t sign up for this “club” I am glad I can do it with these folks, and see God working through it all.
Filed under Uncategorized | Comment (0)beautiful mess.
Sorry I haven’t posted pics from Florida, I will try, there are some precious ones of the kids. So here goes really honest to the heart Courtney…which I have not been so great at doing lately. Not just blogging, but even just journaling and being refueled with the word has been lacking lately.
Beautiful…well I couldn’t be more excited to tell you that we are going to be having a baby girl! We found out on Friday at the end of a procedure I had done called a circlage, which will hopefully support my cervix for the remainder of pregnancy. This brought so much realness and beauty to being pregnant and carrying this precious little thing inside of me. Allen melted my heart as he walked in the house on Saturday with an adorable white dress with butterflies on it…his words were “I guess daddy needs to be the first one to buy her little girl a dress!” God is taking care of us in so many ways, and I pray daily that we would bring Glory to Him, whether beautiful or messy.
Mess…So Friday was the first time Allen had been back to Richland Hospital since we lost the babies, and the first time I was having anything done there. We were so well taken cared of, and I felt very at peace. A very precious nurse, Tresa, came in and took care of me, even though she wasn’t suppose to work that day. I saw many familiar faces just peeking there head in to make sure we were doing ok and that they were excited for us. This was all just a little heavy because of past memories, but at the same time making new sweet memories, and trusting God. After my procedure they needed to check the heartbeat with the doppler to make sure all was safe with the baby, and they couldn’t find a heartbeat…this was really scary!! But they quickly did an ultrasound and all was ok, whew!
I feel more of a mess today, as I let out some tears this morning, just being scared and unsure all is going to be ok…but also confessing to God…I am not fully trusting you and I want to! I don’t let out emotions enough, but definitely felt torn apart in ways this morning.
I say all this for you to see more into my heart, and know I don’t have it all together. Most of the time a beautiful mess.
“For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are-yet was without sin. Let us then approach the throan of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.” Hebrews 4:15-16
Filed under Uncategorized | Comments (7)Great Time!
This week has been my spring break!!! Wow, it has been great so far, and so thankful for the time off.
Last Friday, at the crack of dawn, my mom and I headed out on an adventure to Destin, Florida to see some really special friends, the Masche Family. For those of you who have kept up with the blog for a while, I have mentioned them a good bit. Jenny has sextuplets that will be 3 in June. I was super excited for mom to meet them and get to hang out with their family. We got to do some really fun things with them…just to name a few…taking the 3 boys to get haircuts…we all went to the Good Friday service at their church…beach fun with six little ones…amazing easter egg hunt with the kids, and them eating everything they opened out of their easter eggs…fun girl outing with the 3 girls to get groceries and shoes…all six on bikes…and so much more- I will post pictures soon!
Mom and I also had some great little outings to some yummy restuarants and we did a little shopping. We had fun sharing little things that we had done with the kids, and of course giggled a lot. The beaches and houses in Destin, and surrounding beaches were just amazing, mom and I both were pretty blown away with how nice everything was.
I got to have a few good conversations with Jenny, mostly driving places, because otherwise it is pretty chaotic. I look up to her a whole lot, and I am so thankful, God somehow has allowed us to be good friends even though we have crazy different stories. I would ask that you pray for her and her family. She is working a whole lot right now, which is draining and hard to not be with the kids, so just peace and perseverence there. For Bryan, her husband, because he is home with the kids a lot, and just that he would have energy. For the m to continue to have help and new encouraging friends, they have only been there from Arizona since January. They don’t have any family there, so that makes it hard. And just that God would give them direction as a family.
I hope everyone was able to reflect on our Savior at Easter, thank you Jesus. Blessed be His Name!
Filed under Uncategorized | Comments (2)Clearly stated.
This is a poem our friend Brandon wrote last year after losing all the babies. It has been one of the best pictures of the babies…and stated so clearly. Thanks again Brandon this still is so perfect, thank you!
“Awake, My Hope, come run to Me,
Move quickly—don’t delay.”
Eyes open wide in delight, I wonder
From where does this beckoning come?
But the music’s first beat pulses into
My chest, calling me onward, and up,
Light feet, strong legs, carry me forward,
Straight up to the top of a hill.
My lungs that fill so smoothly,
Deeply, gasp at the sight I behold,
That City! Oh how it shines—It moves!
How it calls me like the wind!
I set off at once, arms wheeling faster
And faster, grasping for it’s light.
This Country—It has a King! The music
Tells me; the Voice that woke me is He!
Every fiber; my blond hair to my tan
Feet, aches to be near by His side!
This strange feeling overwhelms me—
I must be blessed being born in this Country.
Crossing a river and into a valley,
Something catches my eye—
Five familiar figures call out my name,
Standing upright, waiting under an oak,
Our faces meet, we smile, embrace,
Music pulsing from my heart to theirs.
Jacob, Evan, Joy, David, Jonathan! The Voice
Laughs, the valley shakes, rolls under our feet.
We have no choice but to run!
But wait—I stop, looking back,
A vague hint of shadows, and tears
Knock on the door of my mind. “Mommy?
Daddy?” Brothers and sisters paint knowing
Smiles—grab my hands ever so softly,
Jacob points to the City, and speaks,
“My dear, He takes care of them for now.”
The music, it rolls, quickly rushing away
Any doubts or fears I could have. The King—
He laughs again, we echo, and run!
Over a mountain, light brighter, feet lighter;
A race to the City—us Tipping girls are quick!
Oh, but Mommy, Daddy—you’ve reason to
Smile. Even through the tears, and the years,
For though you may not can hear it yet, I just
Heard the chorus—the song of this Country!
After the King’s laugh it rings and it bellows—
The trees, rivers and rocks even join!
And until we sing it together one day,
Your children will be here; dancing, laughing,
Singing along at the table of our King—
Calmed by His peace-giving laugh,
And His song that brings an end to all tears:
The grave, the grave, where is your power?
Death, did you think you had won?
You—the last enemy, have been destroyed,
Conquered and shamed by the Son!
The King’s children forever will shout and dance
On your grave as you shiver and slumber
Your fear, your slavery is broken—we are free!
Death, your days are numbered!
Death, your days are numbered!
Filed under Uncategorized | Comment (1)Remembering…
This is from my dear friend Kristi… thank you is not even enough but I love you and appreciate you a ton. Thank you for all you did during the roughest of times, throughout this year, and also being able to celebrate with us as well!! You are special! And again, these notes were so helpful for me puttin all the pieces together, and seeing God at work.
The Saturday that everything started… my mom was in town and we went by to see you. My mom wanted to take you some gifts. When we were there, you told us you weren’t feeling well. You said that you called the doctor and he told you to just take a bath and relax. Later that night, I texted you to see how you were feeling and never heard back. About an hour later, I had a text from Allen that told me you were in the hospital and you were in pre-term labor. I called Allen and asked if it would be OK for me to come up there or if I should stay home. Courtney Gibson called shortly after and so she came to pick my mom and me to head up to the hospital. I don’t remember if I got to see you that night or not. I remember staying til very late and they were saying that everything looked OK. Then, Sunday came. I spent most of the day at the hospital. By then, your mom was there and lots of family/friends were going through the room. So, I mostly sat in the waiting room and prayed. I got to spend some time with you and you were pretty much upside down (literally!) The next day, I had a text when I woke up from Brandon that said that Baby A had died. I drove straight to the hospital. I stayed there most of the day. I got to hold the baby. He was beautiful and had your nose. I cried with your mom as we talked about how we didn’t know what we would do if you had to do this 5 other times. The rest of the week is pretty much a whirlwind, honestly. I mostly remember being so ready for Brandon to come home from DC… praying with people from Midtown… waking up as early as I could get up to pray for your body and your babies. I remember these things from the week (nothing is in any sort of order… it was mostly a whirlwind, so here are things that stick out to me):
Denise bringing bagels and coffee every morning, you wanting your hair washed, us holding freezing cold ice water rags on your body, your mom caring for you, Allen being strong for you, Midtown praying at the front entrance, the babies and how tiny they were but how they already had your nose (every one of them!), your comment “I still love God”, ‘Where, O death is your victory? The sting of death is sin and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.’ 1 Cor 15, the many, many, many calls, updating the blog, reading the beautiful words of your friends and family, holding your hand as you slept, reading the Word to you after the last babies died, watching your strength unfold, seeing tears of our family as we mourned the loss of the 6 on Friday, seeing your strength as you went to the service before the procedure you had to have.
Our Father’s strength is in you. Thankfully, you have let His strength guide you through all of this. I think we can both agree it would be a different world without His steady pushing and prodding in your heart over the past year while dealing, struggling, crying, and grieving. Praise be to Him for holding you and loving you unconditionally.
Filed under Uncategorized | Comments (2)God Story.
Sorry, I didn’t really give details last night, but I was itching to share our news!! So, a little over 3 weeks ago, on a Wednesday night, I took a pregnancy test totally out of routine, before starting fertility medicine, I always have to do that. I have probally done this 100 times. Well, I laid it on the counter and waited before throwing it in the trash, just to make sure it wasn’t positive before starting medicine. I looked up and clear as day the test said PREGNANT! I walked in the living room and told Allen to come in bedroom, he thought he had done something wrong! I said, “Please look at what this says!” He immediately said, ” You better start drinking more water so you can take another one!!” That is just what I did…and we even thought about visiting my friend Denise at the ER to do a quick blood test…but we ended up taking another test that night and then the next morning, all saying the same thing…PREGNANT! I then called my doctor, and she couldn’t believe it. I went and did blood work to see what my levels were and see what was going on. Sure enough, she called that afternoon, and my levels were so high that she said we could see a heartbeat the next day!!! What, this is crazy, beyond crazy!! Allen and I went that Friday to see a heartbeat and we saw a very strong heartbeat, ONE baby, and measured a little over 7 weeks!!! We went back to the doctor last Friday and everything looks very good.
One thing to know, we had been doing oral medicine, Clomide, since October and nothing really was working. The last time I had done this medicine was the first of January, and I had blood work after it showing my levels were very low and things had not worked. So this is all the more reason to be in all of our Lord’s timing, perfection, and miracles!!
Thank you, Jesus. This is what has resonated in my mind so much. In the mix of preparing to honor and remember the six babies passing just a year ago, to get this news, all I can think and say is, Thank You, Jesus. One thing that has really grabbed my heart is HOPE. I had no idea how much I had given up hope, until we found out we were pregnant, and feeling like I was given hope back.
I will continually to post some things that have meant a ton through this last year as we continue to remember Joy, Hope, Jonathan, David, Jacob, and Evan as well as share how things are going.
Filed under Uncategorized | Comments (20)We Are Pregnant
Enough Said. God’s timing is perfect. We are undeserving, but unexplainably thankful!!! Thank You Jesus, Thank You!!!
I will write more tomorrow…this is all I can get out tonight!!!!
Filed under Uncategorized | Comments (26)Joy, David, Jonathan, and Hope
Today, a year ago, we lost the last four babies. Of course, the two in pink are (from left to right) Joy and Hope, and then next is David and then Jonathan. At this point in our journey things had become more and more of a blur. Thankfully, I had an epidural to go through laboring and not be in as much pain. The two days leading into this time, we really thought things were hopeful for these four because there was way more room in my uterus and the pictures in ultrasound showed them staying up high and moving a lot! I remember thinking, there is hope that things would slow down, and I just needed to be ok with being in the bed for the remainder of the time. But late on Saturday night, we had an ultrasound that showed they all were starting to drop and that we would be preparing for delivery once again. Just recently, Allen told me he remembered seeing that ultrasound and thinking things were not going to be good and we could possibly be losing all of the babies! Sure enough, into the night labor sped up and the first girl was born, then a few hours later the two boys came right together, and then within a couple of hours the last girl was born-Hope. There are really no words to describe this time. I unfortunately do not have good memories of holding these four, because I was physically in such bad shape. It wasn’t until we took pictures later in the day that I held those four and the other two all together. I couldn’t believe it was all over!
I will add a few more experiences from this time in the next couple of days, as well as a few more reflections and things from people. I hope these stories of these babies have given some of you that read this more of an idea of this time in our lives. God was there through it all, he wrapped His arms around us, and continues to carry us.
Psalm 46
“1God is our refuge and strength,
an ever-present help in trouble.
2 Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
3 though its waters roar and foam
and the mountains quake with their surging.
Selah
4 There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
the holy place where the Most High dwells.
5 God is within her, she will not fall;
God will help her at break of day.
6 Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall;
he lifts his voice, the earth melts.
7 The LORD Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.
Selah
8 Come and see the works of the LORD,
the desolations he has brought on the earth.
9 He makes wars cease to the ends of the earth;
he breaks the bow and shatters the spear,
he burns the shields with fire.
10 “Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth.”
11 The LORD Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress. ”
Selah
Reflections from Renie…
During this time I wanted to share some different reflections from people. This is a special note from my dear friend, Renie. Thank you Renie, not only for helping to carry us during our time in the hospital, but also in this past year, thank you.
I Remember
I remember getting the call that Courtney was in the hospital
I remember wondering why I had gone to see that movie anyway
I remember praying for the fragile six babies who just weren’t ready for the world
I remember the adrenaline rush as we walked onto stork’s landing
I remember a waiting room full of folks just waiting, waiting for good news, any news
I remember calling and texting like never before
I remember wishing dr gregg was in town and not some group of residents
I remember a cold, dark room with lots of hushed whispers
I remember monitors and ivs I could not take my eyes off
I remember cold washcloths and ice chips and fanning court’s legs
I remember holding gingi in the hallway as she wept for her daughter
I remember wondering if mr bob knew what was going on
I remember mrs Elizabeth in work mode, not letting her guard down
I remember mr billy silent, but busy thinking, worrying, praying
I remember allen at court’s bedside holding her hand as he prayed
I remember their strength, their witness…their GOD!
I remember dr gregg coming back in town
I remember a new mood, it was gonna be okay
I remember a bright room with open curtains and pictures and cards
I remember laughter, and bedpans, and catheters
I remember rinseless shampoo and hairy legs
I remember losing baby #1
I don’t remember much after that…
I remember bargaining with GOD about his plan for this family
I remember thinking they would surely still leave with a baby
I remember new rooms and new nurses
I remember new ivs and labs, new medicines and ultrasounds
I remember folks bring food, lots of great food.
I remember countless whispered conversations in the hallway as we waited and waited and waited
I remember good days
I remember bad days
I remember the friends and family that rallied around as the tipping’s fought for survival
I remember the prayer meeting on the lawn in front of the hospital
I remember the concerned faces of those who loved Courtney and allen
I remember allen’s sisters flying into town
I remember the relief that they were there, strength in numbers was our prayer
I remember their hotel room at the other end of the hospital wing
I remember the ob unit being so accommodating
I remember losing more babies
I remember it didn’t stop, like we all thought and prayed it would
I remember courtney’s pain
I remember allen’s pain
I remember their frustration
I remember their determination
I remember most, their peace, which can only come from HIM
I remember they were steadfast and held strong
I remember looking at them and seeing peace…seeing JESUS.
Thank you Courtney and Allen
Filed under Uncategorized | Comment (0)Evan.
Wow, it is quite overwhelming as I have begun to write down more things about our babies, but also so revealing what God has taught us through it all and what He continually teaches us daily! This is actually a picture of both Jacob and Evan (Evan is on the right), as they were the only identical twins. When Jacob was born, we were sure that Evan would come immediately after, but he didn’t. He held on for two long days, and actually turned breech to where he was horizontally across blocking any of the other babies from dropping down and me delivering them. We were all amazed when watching any ultrasound that he was able to stay like that and that he was hanging on. Well, once again things start going down hill, and in a bad way. Again, I started contracting a lot more and we knew something bad was going to happen, and shortly there after his water broke, and at that time his tiny hand came out. This was not ok because of the risk of infection to the rest of the babies and my body, as well as making it very difficult for him to deliver completely. This was one of the most physically painful things I have ever experienced, but eventually the second doctor who tried was able to deliver him. Evan looked a lot more battered and he had no heartbeat because of the time that had passed since his water broke was too long, it was not pleasant at all. By this time, I am beyond tired, and very unsure of what is to come!
This was a very impactful time. I remember thinking…I can’t do this anymore, I want to give up, I am scared of what is going to happen, are we going to leave the hospital with a baby at all, how much more can Allen and our family handle, questioning God what is going on, and so many other things were running through my mind. I will add, I was on a very powerful drug, Magnesium, that was to slow down labor but also slows down everything else, which made me feel nothing like myself. I was affirmed of two things…that even if we lost all 6 babies, and someone came to know the Lord through this, then it was worth it…and the other thing was God’s plan is perfect, and that through this He would do more than we could ever ask or imagine. It was those very things that helped me to go on fighting as hard as I could for those babies.
One thing that is very special about Evan is I distinctly remember Allen holding him and praying over him, and really thanking him for being such a fighter for the rest of the babies. Allen named him Evan because the name means “Warrior” and that is what he was. This was such a tender time for me to witness. I will never forget it.
2 Corinthians 4:16-18 (New International Version)
“Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.”
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