REALITY…
As I write this little post today, just want you to know I am hurting a good bit, and just feel a little weak. The way I try to make sense of how my heart feels right now, is knowing the process of everything will take time, but at the same time feeling like my mind is more cluttered with all kinds of things that get me upset. I just want to be honest with you. Whether it be thinking about what to put on the babies marker at the cemetary to just missing be pregnant and having the kids here…it gets me in the gut. But please don’t get me wrong, I see God more clearly and His love for me more clearly than I ever have…and he know our hurts, and he hurts with us. Like I have said before He is strong when we are weak. And I don’t doubt one bit that He is going to show me and Allen huge things! This is reality!
Honestly, I wanted Sunday to go by really fast, yet wanting to honoring those whomean a lot to me. As strongly as it may sound, I didn’t feel worthy of being called “mom” at this point. I know I will someday down the road, because I know God is not taking away that desire of my heart. Kristi sent me this blog from John Piper’s daughter-in-law, and it made so much sense to me, maybe it will to some of you( http://thepipers.wordpress.com/2009/05/09/do-you-want-to-die-this-mothers-day/) the title is pretty strong.
I thank God for the people He puts around us constantly,the ones that push us along, and tell us everything is going to be okay! In some of the next posts, I would like to tell you about some of them who have been reflections of Jesus, and are special to me…
05/12/2009 at 2:32 pm
What an honest and fantastic post. I think of you often and am praying for your wellness, and healing. I wish nothing but good for you.
Cxx
05/12/2009 at 5:19 pm
I wanted to let you know that you were heavy on my heart on Sunday. I know what it feels like to dread Mother’s Day, Baby Dedications and anything else related to babies. My heart aches for you. I’m praying for you. Thanks for sharing your journey with us.
05/12/2009 at 5:29 pm
You are such a witness for the Lord.
05/12/2009 at 10:17 pm
You were an awesome mother to all six babies. They were perfect and were such a good size for their gestational age. They were warm, safe and loved for all of their days. That is what Moms do–especially love the children. You did that so well One day in heaven you will finally believe that as they surround you and let you know. Doubts are so real right now and will be on your mind off and on for the rest of your life. I just want you to know and believe that you are a wonderful Mom. You gave Jacob, Evan,Joy, David, Jonathon and Hope life. What a beautiful thought–hold on to it. I am. You are wonderful and I love you dearly.
05/13/2009 at 8:02 am
I ache for your hurting heart. I remember Angie talking about when the waves of grief and rage would hit her at “Bring the Rain” and she talked about how God seemed to be saying “Bring it.” Because God can withstand our anger, our hurt, our grief. Don’t be afraid to bring it to him. Grief doesn’t mean you love Him any less.
Thinking of you during these hard days. I co-founded “Whispered Support” with Carly. Please stop over there if we can support you in any way xxx
05/13/2009 at 8:23 am
Eah has it exactly right. Love you, friend.
05/13/2009 at 8:28 pm
To my PRECIOUS daughter, Eah is so right you were a great mom to Evan, Jacob, Joy, David, Joanthan, and Hope. They will
always be our little ones. I know without a doubt they know how much they were loved, and I never want you to to doubt that!!!
I know within my heart your dad tells them everyday how great their mom and dad were. I LOVE YOU BOTH VERY MUCH, GINGEE
05/14/2009 at 12:22 pm
One day, Lord willing, when I am at that point where I am ready to be a mom, I want to be just like you. I want to have your strength, courage and faith. Court, the day you told us the news that you and Allen were pregnant, that was when you entered motherhood and that will never ever change. I love you my dear friend.
05/14/2009 at 5:45 pm
Someday, Lord willing, when I am at the point where I am ready to be a mom, I want to be just like you. I admire your strength, courage and incredible faith. Court, the day you found out that you were pregnant, you officially became a mom and nothing can ever change that. This pain you are feeling can only and truly be understood by other mothers like you…